I am hearing about the Netflix reality dating show the Queer Ultimatum everywhere: from clients, friends, and even mentioned at AASECT National Conference by a facilitator. While I found the show highly entertaining myself, as a couples therapist I couldn’t help but wonder - why is the goal here marriage?
In a country where gay marriage was not legalized in all 50 states until 2015, I am excited to see queer people on television vying to get married. However, my issue is with the timeline: many of the couples had been together for under two years, some even 1.5 years. I have the same question for the hetero ultimatum and other reality shows like Love Is Blind. The push from casually dating to the altar is lightning quick. The fact of the matter is, we don’t really know someone until well into a relationship. Much of the beginning of a relationship is full of NRE (new relationship energy) and projections on the other person of what we want them to be for us (regardless of if they are really that person). This is not the ideal time to become engaged or even to tie the knot.
There are many hormones that flood the body when we are falling in love. According to Harvard, different hormones contribute to the three categories of lust (testosterone and estrogen), attraction (dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin) and attachment (oxytocin and vasopressin). With all these chemicals pumping, we might want to consider what life will be like with that person when these chemicals are not on full blast. And, perhaps more importantly, once we see if they have met our expectations of what we have projected upon them, or if we had simply sized them up to fit our fantasy partner.
So, sure it’s fun to watch people "fall in love,” but perhaps let’s slow the marriage pressure down. Once you get to know someone past the NRE stage, then you can take a more balanced, nuanced approach to your big decision.
A photo of lust, attraction and attachment and the hormones attributed to each characteristic. Source: https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/