Pictured: stones creating the image of a heart.
Single people often get in their own way by going through a list of all the reasons they do not think they are datable. The common anxieties I hear amount to "Why would anyone want to date me?" When we dig into where the lack of confidence is coming from, it is often wounding from a previous partner who wreaked havoc on their self-esteem or from messaging received from society of unrealistic standards: not thin enough, fit enough, smart enough, etc.
If this sounds like you, try the following tips:
Notice your thought patterns. For example, do you keep noticing the same phrase repeated over and over again in your mind? Time to examine these thoughts and challenge them. How were they formed, and are there other voices contributing to them? (ie. This thought sounds like something my mom used to say!)
Don't assume. Often my clients assume no one would want to date them because they think a prospective partner would not like any of their hobbies or quirks. Love anime? Go to an anime convention or a specific anime meet up group. You’d be surprised how many people out there are interested in what you are interested in–you might just need to widen your net.
Do a mini experiment. Ask your friends in relationships you admire: how did you get here? Did you have any doubts about dating? How did you get through it? Let others help you get out of your own way!
Working with a therapist can help clarify what barriers are coming up as you set out to meet someone special. Without knowing what is causing self-sabotage, you cannot address and improve it. By talking through your anxieties and issues in a safe, confident space, a new perspective is offered. Amazing things happen when you get out of your head and consequently, out of your own way.